If you text me while I'm at the gym, I will picture myself destroying your soul

"Textured Soy Protein" (texturedsoyprotein)
09/18/2015 at 12:55 • Filed to: None

My gf and I text a lot. Or more accurately, we use Google Hangouts a lot. I also go to the gym a lot. These two things are completely incompatible. Here’s why.

We both have non-standard work schedules. I work 10-7, she works 11:30-9:30 Monday-Thursday and a couple hours on Friday. Most weeknights, I go to the gym from 8:30-10 pm. Yet she’s always messaging me at the gym, even though she knows full well that between the hours of 8:30-10 pm there’s an 83.47% chance I’m at the gym.

Why do I get so annoyed when people try to contact me when I’m at the gym?

When I’m working out, I am not some happy-go-lucky “oh look I’m getting some endorphins this is fun” type of person. I’m generally a cool and collected dude until I start working out, then my existence becomes A TESTOSTERONE- AND ADRENALINE-FUELED PIT OF RAAAAAGE

I listen to music on my phone, and it has a notification light. Any notifications play a noise in my headphones and that goddamned light blinks at me. Normal-me sees the notification light and thinks, “hmm maybe I should see why my phone is blinking.” Gym-me sees the notification light and thinks “HOW DARE THIS LIGHT DISTRACT ME FROM PICKING UP AND PUTTING DOWN HEAVY THINGS!!! I AM GOING TO CRUSH IT INTO DUST THEN FIND THE PERSON WHO SENT ME THIS MESSAGE AND SMASH THEIR FACE IN!!!! (BUT NOT UNTIL I FINISH THIS SET)”

I try to be nice to her about texting me at the gym. If she texts me while I’m working out, I reply with something like “I’m on the elliptical right now,” hoping she’ll realize that texting back any more while I’m running on the elliptical would be difficult, what with it being an activity that requires me to use both of my hands, and she’d leave me the fuck alone.

But noooooo, without fail she would send me like 4 more messages that do not require any immediate attention whatsoever! Here’s what went down last night:

GF: Where are you? I’m heading home soon and it’s storming.
Me: Gym on elliptical (translation: STOP TEXTING ME WOMAN!)
GF: Ok, did you grab any groceries?
Me: No (translation: STOP TEXTING ME WOMAN!)
GF: Curious, need to stop for a snack.
GF: Sorry to interrupt! [kiss emoji]

I didn’t reply to the “Sorry to interrupt! [kiss emoji] ” message because I figured she realized I didn’t want to respond anymore. I was pissed. I hate having text conversations while I’m trying to destroy the elliptical! I had to put it out of my mind, but my inner gym rage monster wouldn’t let it go, so instead I bumped up the resistance on the elliptical and pictured smashing her face underneath my feet. Gym-me is not an emotionally well-adjusted person.

Then my dad sent me an email about something completely unrelated. I was so pissed at my phone at this point that I let out an audible “FUUUUUCK!!!!” while trying to dismiss the notification. I finished my cardio and started up with weights, and then this happened:

GF: Do you want anything from !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! ? I’m getting a burger.
Me: No thanks [kiss emoji] (translation: I AM AT THE GYM TRYING TO DESTROY THINGS DO NOT TEMPT ME WITH CHEESEBURGERS AND FROZEN CUSTARD GAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG!!!!!! )

Then she wanted to talk about how that time of the month is coming around soon and that’s why she has food cravings blah blah fucking blah.

ME: It’s ok to indulge a craving every once in a while, I’ll see you when I get home. (translation: GODDAMMIT I DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO SEND YOU ANY MORE MESSAGES BETWEEN NOW AND WHEN I GET HOME )

This finally did the trick and she left me alone.

When I got home, we had a conversation about several things unrelated to her texting me at the gym, but finally I got around to saying something about her texting me at the gym. Apparently, she was interpreting my “I’m at the gym” texts as meaning I was unable to respond immediately, but that she was free to continue sending me messages for me to respond to later . “What’s the big deal? If you text me when I’m driving I just worry about the text later.”

I had to explain why it’s so hard for me to ignore follow-up messages, without including the part about how in a testosterone-induced rage I pictured myself stepping all over her face because she texted me. Now she knows that I’m trying to make myself available to her, but follow-up messages are an unwanted distraction.

Problem solved! At least I hope so. I really don’t want to end up trying to throw my phone across the gym while running on the elliptical, only to fall off and mangle myself. Because then I’d have to buy a new phone and wouldn’t be able to go to the gym.

DISCUSSION (41)

Takuro Spirit > Textured Soy Protein
09/18/2015 at 12:59

Women.

Kinja'd!!!

bob and john > Textured Soy Protein
09/18/2015 at 13:00

LOL.

CalzoneGolem > Textured Soy Protein
09/18/2015 at 13:01

You need an iPod and to leave your phone in your car and/or engage airplane mode.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > CalzoneGolem
09/18/2015 at 13:03

I love using airplane mode

Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again. > Textured Soy Protein
09/18/2015 at 13:05

Easy fix:

Change hangouts status to working out, then turn on airplane mode. problem solved.

jariten1781 > Textured Soy Protein
09/18/2015 at 13:07

Um, turn off notifications (light/sound), allow priority notifications only, turn on airplane mode, set a do not disturb, lots of solutions. Hell, you can set up Tasker to automatically turn off notifications when GPS sees you in the gym parking lot and turn them back on when you leave.

Supreme Chancellor and Glorious Leader SaveTheIntegras > Textured Soy Protein
09/18/2015 at 13:08

I AM AT THE GYM TRYING TO DESTROY THINGS DO NOT TEMPT ME WITH CHEESEBURGERS AND FROZEN CUSTARD

Greatness

LongbowMkII > Textured Soy Protein
09/18/2015 at 13:09

I know that feel. at least you apparently don’t have to deal with the “well, you don’t have to be rude about it” conversation. *twitch*

DrJohannVegas > Textured Soy Protein
09/18/2015 at 13:12

Just listen to the rage within your head. No headphones needed. Let the rhythm of clanking weights be your percussion section.

Seriously, though, my phone stays in the locker or the car when I lift. I’m at church, bro.

Textured Soy Protein > CalzoneGolem
09/18/2015 at 13:14

But then if there’s something she legitimately needs my attention for, I’ll get in trouble. I want to be available if needed.

Autofixation > Textured Soy Protein
09/18/2015 at 13:15

I hate when I try to kiss my girlfriend and she has to yawn.

If you can’t ignore your phone notification then you have issues.

I am typing this while taking a dump.

Textured Soy Protein > jariten1781
09/18/2015 at 13:15

There are occasional things she texts me about that actually should get an immediate response. Occasionally.

Textured Soy Protein > Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again.
09/18/2015 at 13:16

But then if she genuinely needs me for something she’ll be pissed that I didn’t respond.

CalzoneGolem > Textured Soy Protein
09/18/2015 at 13:17

You can’t have it both ways.

Tohru > Textured Soy Protein
09/18/2015 at 13:19

I suppose a simple “fuck off I’m at the gym” text would be unreasonable.

Moves-Like-Senna > Textured Soy Protein
09/18/2015 at 13:20

If you’re on iPhone it’s built in but you can get Do Not Disturb apps for Android as well. Basically blocks all notifications, except if someone calls 3 times or more for emergencies.

SnapUndersteer, Italian Spiderman > Textured Soy Protein
09/18/2015 at 13:20

Well it seems she understands now... Just be more dismissive if she keeps it up with the bothersome messages. Also, make completely sure she understands

jariten1781 > Textured Soy Protein
09/18/2015 at 13:21

Nonsense. We lived just fine without mobile phones. I don’t even take mine with me a lot of the time and a lot of people look at me like I’ve grown three heads.

But, if that is a really make-or-break concern you could set up a google voice number that she could use for emergencies only then block all notifications not from that number.

Svend > Textured Soy Protein
09/18/2015 at 13:22

Seriously, put the phone in ‘airplane mode’ or turn off the radio reciever (phone reception thing-ami-jig-do-da). Simples.

Kinja'd!!!

Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again. > Textured Soy Protein
09/18/2015 at 13:23

okay then send her a message that your phone will be in airplane mode and if she genuinely has an emergency to call the gym number.

Textured Soy Protein > CalzoneGolem
09/18/2015 at 13:25

Well, now she knows that even though gym-me hates being interrupted, instead of making myself unreachable, I’m trying to be available for her if she needs. So in exchange for making myself available to her, all I ask is she keep in mind that sending a bunch of non-urgent follow-up messages is an unwanted distraction.

Textured Soy Protein > jariten1781
09/18/2015 at 13:27

She and I talked it out. We’re fine. I’m not looking for a solution to a problem, this is just supposed to be funny.

Textured Soy Protein > Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again.
09/18/2015 at 13:27

She and I talked it out. We’re fine. I’m not looking for a solution to a problem, this is just supposed to be funny.

Textured Soy Protein > Svend
09/18/2015 at 13:28

She and I talked it out. We’re fine. I’m not looking for a solution to a problem, this is just supposed to be funny.

Textured Soy Protein > Moves-Like-Senna
09/18/2015 at 13:28

She and I talked it out. We’re fine. I’m not looking for a solution to a problem, this is just supposed to be funny.

Future next gen S2000 owner > Textured Soy Protein
09/18/2015 at 13:29

Donuts are tasty. Also, your gf is clingy. I routinely dismiss texts from my wife because I have things to do. If she can’t handle not being the sole thing in your world how will you ever finish the LS saw in the garage?

CalzoneGolem > Textured Soy Protein
09/18/2015 at 13:32

What have we come to when being unreachable by phone for 1:30 is notable.

Textured Soy Protein > CalzoneGolem
09/18/2015 at 13:33

She and I talked it out. We’re fine. I’m not looking for a solution to a problem, this is just supposed to be funny.

Future next gen S2000 owner > Tohru
09/18/2015 at 13:33

If he ever aspires to have coitus with her (again?), yes it is.

Textured Soy Protein > Future next gen S2000 owner
09/18/2015 at 13:34

She and I talked it out. We’re fine. I’m not looking for a solution to a problem, this is just supposed to be funny.

CalzoneGolem > Textured Soy Protein
09/18/2015 at 13:36

How many times have you posted this reply?

random001 > Textured Soy Protein
09/18/2015 at 13:39

You’re on...the....elliptical? The. Elliptical. I don’t feel you are qualified to rage out when you are on. The. Elliptical.

Svend > Textured Soy Protein
09/18/2015 at 13:39

Oh, okay. Lol. Cool.

My phone stays on silent and I phone people back when it’s convenient for me or they text and I can reply when I see the notification light flash.

Moves-Like-Senna > Textured Soy Protein
09/18/2015 at 13:50

Oh haha, fitness is my quiet place. My escape from the world which is why I actually make a point of being 100% unavailable unless it’s a full out emergency.

Textured Soy Protein > random001
09/18/2015 at 13:57

I have a bad knee from a high school injury so a treadmill isn’t the greatest for me. I crank it up to really high, and I do weights stuff with my legs (lunges, step ups, squats, etc.)

luvMeSome142 & some Lincoln! > Textured Soy Protein
09/18/2015 at 14:02

airplane mode

Textured Soy Protein > CalzoneGolem
09/18/2015 at 14:04

I got a bunch of similar replies offering solutions to the problem so I got lazy and copy-pasted rather than type a different response to each solution.

Tohru > Future next gen S2000 owner
09/18/2015 at 14:09

Well, you could soften it a bit.

CalzoneGolem > Textured Soy Protein
09/18/2015 at 14:39

We are a pragmatic bunch.

R Saldana [|Oo|======|oO|] - BTC/ETH/LTC Prophet > Textured Soy Protein
09/18/2015 at 15:34

We should be friends.

samssun > Textured Soy Protein
09/18/2015 at 20:50

Have you tried yelling at her?

Alternate solution: ignore them. If you miss something "important", she'll learn to ease up so you're less likely to lose the signal in the noise.